Life: June 16 (the day my world stood still)

It's been 5 years.

Where has the time gone?

It feels like yesterday I said "I love you" and "good-bye" one final time. The memory of the last time you spoke to me is still fresh in my head. I just kept saying "I love you", because deep down I knew that after that night I was never going to get to hear your voice again.

Now after 5 years I have forgotten the sound of your voice and even how you smell. That freaks me out beyond words and just thinking about it quickly brings me to tears.

But no matter how much I miss you, how much I cry, how much it hurts and how empty my heart feels...

...I am okay.

In fact I am living my life as best as I can.

A lot has happened in 5 years. Some of it would make you sad, like that I don't talk to my sister or father. But there are reasons for it, like my sanity and peace of mind. Even though that isn't what you wanted for us, it's what I needed. I always hope that you would understand, though if you were still here they would probably still be in my life.

Then there is all of the other crazy, exciting, scary stuff. I bought a house and tried to make it my own in a very short amount of time, but I wanted nothing more than to have you there to help decorate. I met a guy, Nate, who I would end up marrying, you and he would have gotten along amazingly well. I bought a dog, to keep me company and make me laugh. I also finally went to St. Thomas. I know you said you'd never go back because of too many bad memories, but I enjoyed getting to see a place you once called home. Then I moved, which was the last thing I expected, but I was in love and love sends you to places you may never have wanted to go. Then Nate proposed, at the Broadmoor Hotel, because he knew how many memories I had at that hotel (you would have been so proud). I continued living in a state I hated, which made me miss you more, but I made it through. I traveled to San Francisco a few times and it's where I ended up finding my wedding dress. That was a hard moment, being around other brides who had their mothers there. Then, after months and months of planning, Nate and I got married. I think you would have loved the venue. We even set out a memorial bouquet of your favorite flowers, Shasta Daisies.


I forgot to mention, Nate is in the Air Force and is a Physicist. I would have never expected that in a million years, but love has a funny sense of humor (I'm betting you knew I'd marry someone who was really good at math). Of course it's taken some time getting use to being a military wife, though I doubt I will ever really get use to it, it's kind of like middle and high school all over again. I've learned that I'm not a fan of moving. Who knew?